I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
