The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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