Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
