make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
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