after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
