You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Dick very happy bro
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
