if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
