i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
