apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize
