he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
