just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
