I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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