i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
