So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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