WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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