Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Dear god my vagina.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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