so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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