I want to stick my p in your. b.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
