I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
