Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
