it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Randomize
