i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
