I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
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