Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
