Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Found the puke drawer
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
