i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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