The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
He felt like a one man threesome
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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