got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
