She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
