Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
