Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Randomize
