I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
