i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
