so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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