Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
