dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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