Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
