I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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