Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
