4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Boobs speak an international language.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Randomize
