she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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