Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
it glows. i had to have it.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
