I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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