I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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