when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
