It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
