So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
