Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
