This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
