goodnight i made you a song goodbye
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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