just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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