The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Randomize
