someone threw a dead crab at me
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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