Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Randomize
