I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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