The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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